How can I be so stupid.

  How can I be so stupid for a nigga that clearing show me he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, and if I left, it wouldn't even bother him at all. I done moved in with a nigga that couldn't even help me when I needed him the most. He talks down to me and makes me feel less of a person. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him unless I'm suck him and letting him get a nut off or he is using my car to get back and forth to work. He doesn't care how he makes me feel. I'm just here to be his punching bag. Maybe what my ex did wasn't that bad. Perhaps this is the worst relationship I've been in. I am beating myself up trying to make things work. Trying there for someone who really doesn't even see me for real. I sit here and cry because I can't even have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument. I got accused of giving him something before he even knew what it was. I got tested to prove to him I didn't have anything, but he still feels like he had something. I'm just so dumb for this dude and he just keep showing me that he really doesn't give two fucks about me. I fell in-love with a nigga that don't even have a heart but swear he care about me and love me. It's hard to see that, cause every chance he gets, he makes me feel otherwise. How can a man say they love you but make you feel like crap all int he same sentence. Typing this just shows me how much I am blinded by love, cause I'm still with him and scared to leave him. I don't want to hurt; I don't want to feel that anymore. I already feel alone, so what's the difference in being with someone, right? All I can do right now is cry and cry and cry. I'm not strong enough to leave right now. Facing the reality hurts too much to even think about it. I know what I need to do, and I'm more scared of doing that than staying, which honestly, is only making things harder for me to even leave. I just keep thinking how people go around treating people that literally is the reason they still have a job like shit. Like damn what do I do so wrong to deserve this from these niggas. Like I said, I can't even have a simple conversation about something without it turning into an argument and causing an issue that didn't even have to happen. I know one day Imma leave and not look back, and the hurt and knowledge of knowing that day is coming is beyond me. To know that my love is slowly leaving, and maybe me knowing that I'm not as in love with him as I thought. Speaking these words right now is kind of opening my eyes to some feelings I didn't even know I had in me. I just have to build the courage and strength to take that leap and do what's best for me. People have been telling me he's not good for me, and I don't deserve to keep dealing with this. I was told I need to put myself first and stop letting him get the upper hand. How do I do that, though? My heart is big, and I care way too much about the people in my life. These are the things I deal with, then I know what I need to do, but it's so hard to do it.

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