Fighting the dark days.

   How can I be so stupid for a nigga that clearing show me he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, and if I left, it wouldn't even bother him at all. I done moved in with a nigga that couldn't even help me when I needed him the most. He talks down to me and makes me feel less of a person. Nothing I ever do is good enough for him unless I'm suck him and letting him get a nut off or he is using my car to get back and forth to work. He doesn't care how he makes me feel. I'm just here to be his punching bag. Maybe what my ex did wasn't that bad. Perhaps this is the worst relationship I've been in. I am beating myself up trying to make things work. Trying there for someone who really doesn't even see me for real. I sit here and cry because I can't even have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument. I got accused of giving him something before he even knew what it was. I got tested to prove to him I didn't have any...

  Where do I start, it's never easy losing a loved one. Everyone grieves differently when it comes to death. New year day I lost my grandfather. He passed away in his sleep and when I found out I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The amount of pain that filled my heart that morning. I still remember that day like it was this morning. I was in my bed watching a friend stream on Facebook. I hear my father say something but couldn't make out the words. Then my mother got up and opened my door then I heard my father crying. I was lost and didn't know what was going on. I asked my mom what happen, and she said, "Your grandpa passed away." I stepped back off the bed almost falling, and I started shaking. I could hear my self-screaming on the inside. I fell to the floor and a panic trying to process what I just heard. My mother was comforting my father and trying to get me to breathe. I jumped up to go find my big brother. I couldn't even bring myself to s...

  I'm there for people and when I'm down there's no one ever really there for me. Sometimes I want to cry but what would that do? Things will still be the same once I wipe my tears. It hurt knowing at the end of the day you only have yourself. You can be there for everybody even when you down to your last and none of the people you helped would even look in your directions when you need them. Sitting here typing this I keep thinking of all the people that claimed they cared and how I tried to reach out to them and got ignored. I tell a person I might get put out and all they could say is "Okay". "OKAY" really like if the shoe was on the other foot I would be there trying to help as best as I can. Everything I do for people is out the kindness of my heart and I never asked for anything in return. I try to deal with all my problems the best I can with the help of no one. Sometimes I just want to give up and be down with everything.

  Everyone always says when you know you know. I had many moments when I thought I knew. I guess some people don't never really know. Maybe he just hasn't come along. If your happily married, how did you know. What was the feeling like? Whatever that feeling is I want to feel it one day. I always manage to find someone think things are going great then get it with that "It's not you it's me". The guy I'm talking to now we have our ups and down. We not together although people think we are cause we always talking and I'm forever at his house but we are like best friends with feelings if that make sense. He not ready for a relationship hell neither am I but I'll wait and not just give up on him. My only fear is that this is my third time going through this. I waited literally two years with both the first and second time only for them to start dating someone else literally after I just let go. I hope my time don't get wasted again. I just want to...